


Make Me Tremble, Make Me Shake

by missjo



Series: Que Désirez-vous? [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (but with feelings????), Also anxiety attacks, Asexual James Madison, Fisting, Friends to Lovers, Grieving, M/M, Minor Character Death, Smut, Thomas has a lot of feelings, basically there's a LOT of feelings, pretty sure thomas cries like three times in this thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-05 00:29:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12179457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missjo/pseuds/missjo
Summary: It had been a week since the funeral, three weeks since he'd had last seen James, and Thomas Jefferson was a mess.





	Make Me Tremble, Make Me Shake

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely part of my [Que Désirez-vous?](http://archiveofourown.org/series/725484) verse but takes place before the fic starts. If you've ever wondered how Thomas and James got together well now you'll know. I personally think my verse is awesome and everyone should read it but this can also work as a standalone. You don't really need any prior knowledge so enjoy however you'd like!
> 
> I honestly never expected to write anything featuring them but this grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go until I wrote it. Many thanks to [Ninyaaaaaaah](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah) for being so kind and encouraging while I wrote this! I hope you enjoy! :)
> 
> Without further ado here is an explosion of feelings!

It had been a week since the funeral. Time seemed to move both slower and quicker now. The sounds of the bar seemed muffled and far away; as if Thomas was listening to them through a door down the hall. The expensive bourbon in his glass tasted like dust but he drank it down anyway. At least he could feel the burn as it went down his throat; that was something. He let his gaze drift until the liquor bottles in front of him blurred like a Monet painting.

Thomas scoffed at his own comparison and downed the last half of his glass in one. He lifted two fingers to signal the bartender for another but then a large hand was pressing his back down against the bar with gentle firmness.

Thomas blinked and spun around on his barstool to see James - _Jemmy_ \- standing there like something out of a dream. He blinked again to clear the blurriness from his vision. The haze around his friend cleared and there he still stood, solid and real.

For the first time in three weeks.

“I think you’ve had enough, Thomas,” James said in that serious, hushed tone he often had to use with him. His eyes were sad.

It had been a week since the funeral. Thomas had not seen James in the week leading up to the accident, the week leading up to the funeral, and now James stood in front of him still a week after that and had the gall to look _sad_.

Thomas scoffed and turned back to face the bar. He brushed off Jemmy’s touch and lifted his hand defiantly to get the bartender’s attention.

“Thomas,” James reprimanded.

He flinched at the condescension and sneered at him over his shoulder. “Can’t even show up for the funeral, but you can show up here to, what, _scold me_?”

James opened his mouth and then closed it.

“Why are you _here_ , James?” he asked in the stiff, nasty tone he reserved for his enemies. The tone he had never once used on Jemmy.

James didn’t flinch. Instead, he placed his large, warm hand on Thomas’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’m here to get you home.”

The familiar gesture cracked something inside Thomas. His body sagged. His heart thudded painfully. He couldn’t imagine being home. It was too big, too lonely without Martha in it. At least here, in the cacophony of the bar, he couldn’t feel her absence so acutely.

He shook his head, his throat growing thick. “No. Please no,” he pleaded with wide, damp eyes.

James frowned and moved his hand to his neck. A soothing gesture. Thomas closed his eyes at the gentle touch. “We can go to mine,” he told him in that slow, comforting cadence of his.

Thomas felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He nodded and stood, letting Jemmy take most of his weight as they hobbled out of the bar and onto the street.

He sagged against him in the cab. He allowed himself to take comfort in the soft, solid weight of his friend and breathed in his familiar clean, soapy scent. Jemmy ran his fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp lightly at random intervals. They didn’t speak; he just let Thomas _breathe_.

They got out of the cab and stumbled into the house together. Thomas sat at the kitchen island while James got them both some water, which he drank down happily. It was all so normal that it wasn’t until he was halfway through his glass that he remembered his friend’s long absence. He blinked and studied him.

“Why weren’t you there?” he asked, his voice getting thick. “Where did you go, Jemmy? I-I needed you there.”

Jemmy shuffled over to take his nighttime meds and then looked at Thomas. The distance between them suddenly felt physical. Thomas’s fingers itched to close it.

“I was in the hospital,” he finally answered after a long silence.

Thomas almost dropped his glass.

“What?” he breathed, his heart seizing in his chest.

James shrugged. “You know how my lungs can get when the seasons change. I-I was sick and then I got worse,” his expression crumpled into a sad, broken thing. “I read Martha’s obituary in the hospital and, Thomas, all I wanted to do was run to you. I’m sorry-- I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

The thought that Thomas could have lost James too came crashing down around him. It was difficult to breathe. He was up and clinging onto his friend in an instant. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the bulk of Jemmy in his arms; tried to tell himself that Jemmy was here and not gone forever. His lungs stuttered as his breathing grew more and more erratic.

“Thomas-- shhh… Thomas, I’m here,” James soothed and wrapped his large arms around his lean form, crushing him tight against him. “I’m alright and I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I promise, Thomas, I promise. I need you to breathe for me.”

Thomas shivered and let out a dry sob. He cradled the back of James’s head and tried to breathe. His lungs refused to listen and another sob bubbled in his chest.

“Hey. Let’s go to bed okay?” Jemmy ran a soothing hand down Thomas’s back. “Let’s go lie down.”

“I can’t lose you too-- Jemmy, I can’t--” Thomas gasped and clung tighter to him. He tucked his face in his neck and tried to blink away the tears before they could fall. It was useless.

James continued to hold him. He stroked his back as the sobs rocked through Thomas in waves. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity. When the tears finally ran dry Thomas shook against him. He ran his hands over his friend’s shoulders, back, and arms; finding relief in the physical presence of him.

James ran his fingers through Thomas’s hair. “C’mon, man, let’s go to bed,” he repeated softly while Thomas continued to gasp for air. “I’ll even let you steal the blankets in mine. C’mon.”

Only the knowledge that Jemmy wasn’t abandoning him, that he would continue to be close by, helped Thomas to finally release him. He sniffed and ran a hand self consciously over his face. He was too embarrassed to look at his friend. He knew he had to look like a wreck but Jemmy said nothing. He just led them up the stairs to his bedroom. Thomas followed on shaky legs.

They stripped down mechanically. Thomas rid himself of the suit he’d strapped himself into until he was in nothing but his boxer briefs. A shiver ran through him when the cool air hit. He wrapped his arms around himself pathetically and turned to find James in his boxers and undershirt. The sight made him feel marginally warmer.

He crawled into bed on Jemmy’s side and breathed in the scent of him on his pillow. Jemmy sighed heavily but got in on the other side without complaint. He let Thomas roll over and cling back onto him. Jemmy was such an accommodating friend. He was more than Thomas deserved, if Thomas was being honest, but he was grateful for his constant caring patience.

Thomas continued to burrow into him but he still couldn’t seem to get his breathing to regulate. His heart was still ringing in his ears and no matter how much he touched James he couldn’t quell the fear swirling in his belly.

“If I lost you I’d have nothing left,” he confessed on a shaky exhale, his hands growing more frantic.

James gripped his wrists firmly to still him and pressed a kiss to his temple. He squeezed the delicate bones gently and Thomas froze.

“Oh,” he breathed, finally feeling still. He looked up at James through his lashes, took in the calm steadiness of his face, and breathed again. “Oh.”

“I told you, Thomas, I’m not goin’ anywhere,” James said, his voice so warm and so smooth. He held Thomas’s gaze, his expression so sincere and loving that it cracked Thomas’s heart wide open.

He lunged forward and pressed their mouths together in a hasty approximation of a kiss. He paused there just long enough to properly appreciate the soft lushness of James’s lips before he pulled away with wide, frightened eyes.

“Oh,” he found himself saying again. He stared at James’s shocked expression and then let his gaze flicker down to his parted lips. He had kissed Jemmy; he had _actually_ kissed him.

His friend pulled back slightly and pressed a hand firmly to Thomas’s chest to stop him from following. Thomas hated the sudden space between them instantly, viscerally.

“Grief makes you do strange things, Thomas, I think--”

“No,” Thomas said firmly and shook his head, his voice steady for the first time that evening. “No, um, Martha was right. Shoulda done that long ago.”

Jemmy’s brows knitted together in bemusement. Thomas’s heart warmed with fondness as he continued to look at him.

“She-she always told me I should act on my feelings for you,” he told him, eyes blurring with fresh tears. He gave him a bittersweet smile. “Said all the reasons for me not doin’ so were all in my head.”

James frowned. “But you and Martha-- were you--”

Thomas blinked away the tears and took a shaky breath. “We were together. I loved-- _love_ Martha very much but… she always felt there was room in our relationship for you. Said you were already there.” He laughed shakily and had to wipe the stubborn tears away with the back of his hand. “Always joked that _she_ was the one who invaded.”

Jemmy stared at him. Thomas held his breath. Then James’s eyes flickered to Thomas’s mouth and he felt his heart do a little victory dance in his chest. He breathed.

“Tell me she was right,” Thomas pleaded in a hushed tone. “Please.”

James licked his lips and carefully cupped Thomas’s face in his hand. “She was right,” he whispered, his gaze focusing on Thomas’s mouth again.

When he didn’t move Thomas pushed into his space and pressed their lips together. He parted his, let his breath ghost over James’s mouth. Then suddenly James was kissing him back, his lips pressing firmly against Thomas’s own.

It felt like a dam breaking. Thomas shook under the waves of relief and excitement and pulled James to him. He let James bite into his mouth with a pleased sigh and ran his hands down his back, up his chest. He revelled in finally, truly being able to feel him under his fingers. Thomas curled his tongue around Jemmy’s and felt him shudder against him with pride. He grinned into the kiss and began to slowly move a hand lower, over his stomach and down.

Then James paused and pulled his body away. Thomas curled his fingers into the air where his warmth had been and froze.

“Jemmy?”

James pressed his forehead against his and took a deep breath.

“Thomas, I love you. I-I _want_ you. It’s just, um, sex it’s… complicated.”

Thomas frowned. “Complicated?”

“I’m… asexual. Thomas, I don’t really have sex.” Thomas just stared at him, his mind a complete blank. “With anyone. Or at least not-- It’s complicated.”

Thomas lowered his hands. “But you just said you want me.”

James took his hands and squeezed them. “I do. Very much. God, Thomas, you _know_ how beautiful you are,” he told him, his gaze flickering down to his mouth again. “It’s just that I don’t like to be touched that way. I might sometimes want to touch you. If that’s okay.”

Thomas noted that Jemmy’s gaze still hadn’t lifted from his mouth. “And now,” he breathed, “what about now?”

“Right now I very much want to touch you,” James replied.

Thomas took their joined hands and lifted one to press against his neck with a sigh and the other to his chest. “Please touch me then, James,” he breathed, letting his eyes flutter closed.

James pressed up against him and kissed him again. Thomas melted with a soft gasp and dutifully kept his hands at his sides while they explored each other’s mouths. Despite how strongly he itched to touch him again he didn’t want to cause Jemmy to pull away again.

James moved to nip at the stubble on his jaw and then down along the curve of his neck. Thomas whimpered and stretched his neck long in encouragement. His fingers twitched, desperate to ground himself in the feel of him.

“Please, James, tell me where I can touch you,” he groaned and licked his lips, arching his body into James’s firm caress.

James’s large hand slid down from his neck along his back until he was gripping Thomas’s firm ass. Thomas pressed his stiffening erection against his warm thigh and keened.

“Anywhere but my cock, Thomas,” James replied low into his ear. Hearing that word leave his mouth made Thomas quiver.

He touched James with the hunger of a starving man. His hands skimmed down James’s broad back and up beneath his thin shirt to feel smooth, soft skin.

Thomas moaned when James nipped at his collarbone, took the skin there between his teeth and sucked. His fingers dug into the firm, toned muscle of Thomas’s ass. Thomas tightened his hold on James and rutted against him weakly.

“Jemmy--” he gasped, his voice lilting in a high pitched whine. “Please-- I need--”

“I know, babe, shhh…” James hushed him and slid his hand beneath Thomas’s underwear. He parted his cheeks and pressed two fingers firmly against his entrance.

Thomas pressed back against them and hissed. “ _Fuck_ …”

James kissed the corner of his mouth. “Hang on…”

He rolled off the bed and went to dig around in the closet. Thomas focused on his breathing and tried not to rub off on the sheets as he watched him. Finally he emerged with a bottle of lube and sat down beside Thomas on the bed. He tapped him on the hip.

“Underwear off. On your back,” James commanded, his voice steady.

Thomas hurried to comply. He shimmied out of his underwear and lay back against the pillows. James moved between his legs and leaned up to kiss him softly. Thomas arched up to kiss him back. He ran too fingertips down James’s throat, felt him swallow.

James pulled back and slicked up one finger. He swirled it around Thomas’s entrance teasingly until Thomas had to grit his teeth to hold back an embarrassing whine. Then he pressed it inside him slow and careful. He arched his brows when Thomas took it easily with a pleased hum.

When James didn’t move he looked down at him and huffed at his expression. “This is not the first finger I’ve had in my ass,” he told him impatiently.

James shrugged and stroked long and slow inside of him. Thomas choked on a moan when he curled it just so, his own fingers gripping the sheets for something to hold onto. A second finger joined the first and Thomas thrust his hips up into it with a groan, loving the stretch.

James spread them. Thomas’s body quivered at the sensation and he let out a low moan. He tightened his grip until his knuckles went white.

“Look at you,” James whispered, his face soft.

He began to move them in slow, steady strokes that gradually took Thomas apart piece by piece. He curled them deep inside of him. Thomas let out a soft cry as pleasure spiked up along his spine and settled low in his stomach.

Thomas’s fingers itched again. He looked down at James through his lashes. “James, Jemmy, please come up here,” he all but begged and took a shaky breath. “I need you.”

James kept his fingers buried deep inside Thomas as he shifted up close enough for Thomas to pull him into a kiss. Thomas wrapped his arms around him and dug his fingers into his shoulder blades to hold him close. He let James lick easily into his mouth with a soft whimper.

James pulled his fingers out and paused for a brief, earth-shattering second to add more lube before thrusting three fingers inside him. Thomas gasped into his mouth and shifted his hips with a groan of approval. He felt so wonderfully full when James moved them inside of him. He moved his hips in time with James’s hand and gripped hard at the muscles of his back.

“Yes, Jemmy, _yes_ …” he whispered into his mouth, loving the drag of his fingers inside him.

“Can you take another one?” James whispered and took his lower lip between his teeth.

Thomas’s entire body shuddered in response. “I--” he stopped to clear his throat. He wriggled his hips, let his legs fall farther apart and his body melt into the mattress. “ _Yes_ …”

James pumped his fingers a few more times, scissored them to make sure he was properly stretched. Then he swallowed Thomas’s cry with his mouth as another slicked finger carefully slid in alongside the others.

Thomas closed his eyes and focused on his breathing while he body adjusted to the new, extreme stretch. Neither of them moved for a moment, just breathed in each other’s air until Thomas’s muscles relaxed and the ache dulled.

“Move,” he whispered against James’s mouth.

James did. Thomas cried out at the drag of four fingers inside of him and threw his head back, desperate for air. James nipped and sucked along his throat as he thrust his fingers in and out of him at a firm, steady pace. Thomas’s toes curled into the sheets and he rocked up to meet every downward thrust. His entire body felt electric and tingly all over. He could feel the heat pooling in his stomach and his cock throbbed painfully where it was trapped between them.

“James-- _fuck_ \-- Jemmy,” he rasped out, his eyes rolling back.

James nipped at his earlobe, his breathing steady and grounding in Thomas’s ear. He curled his fingers and Thomas choked, his fingers scrambling desperately along James’s back.

“Can you take one more?” James asked and kissed his temple tenderly.

Thomas’s breath stuttered in his chest at the thought of being impossibly full. He looked up at James and swallowed. Then he slowly, carefully shifted his legs so that the heels of his feet were pressed against the small of James’s back and he legs could fall open. Nerves fluttered in his belly as he leaned up to kiss him, but his cock twitched encouragingly, dripping precome onto his stomach.

“... yes,” he breathed.

“Okay, babe, okay,” James replied, his voice slow and smooth. “I’m gonna need you to breathe out when I push in, okay? Let me know if I need to stop. Don’t wanna hurt you.”

Thomas nodded and took a deep breath. He felt James start to move his hand and exhaled slowly. He winced as he was spread open, tears gathering in his lashes. Then he felt Jemmy’s thumb press against his stretched, sensitive hole and grunted, his legs quivering. His cock throbbed, the muscles in his abdomen straining until James’s thumb was in to the knuckle. The last of Thomas’s breath was punched out of him. He felt tears slide silently down his cheeks.

“Beautiful,” James murmured encouragingly and kissed the tears from his skin. “You’re so beautiful like this, Thomas.”

Thomas focused on the soothing sound of his voice. He breathed in and choked on a sob. He pulled James down for a desperate kiss, needing to feel something other than how full and stretched he felt. His hips quivered and then James was curling two fingers deep inside of him and he was coming hard between them. He cried out, stars dotting his vision as his body shook with the force of his orgasm.

When his muscles were done quaking around James’s hand he slowly, carefully pulled it out one centimeter at a time. Thomas whimpered at the hypersensitivity, the tears flowing freely now.

“Almost there, babe, almost there,” James reassured him and kissed his cheek. “You’ve done so well.”

Finally his last finger pulled out with a soft pop. James hurried to clean his hand and cradled Thomas close with the other. He grabbed some tissues from his bedside table and cleaned Thomas up as gently as he could while Thomas sobbed liberally into his neck.

Once he was finished he ran his other hand through Thomas’s hair and pressed kisses over every bit of his face he could reach.

“You were so good, Thomas, I love you so much,” he crooned into Thomas ear while Thomas poured out every emotion he hadn’t even known he’d been feeling into each sob.

His sobs slowed and then finally stopped. Thomas was left twitching and exhausted, his body pliant against James’s. He pressed a kiss to his neck and reveled in the emptiness in his chest where his grief and fears had been weighing so heavily.

“Thank you… thank you, Jemmy,” he whispered and loosened his hold on him. “I love you too.”

James took Thomas’s hand in his and lifted it to kiss his knuckles. Thomas closed his eyes and let himself drift. They fell asleep that night with their legs tangled together and Thomas’s head on James’s chest, listening to the comforting sound of his heartbeat.


End file.
